The 3 Primary Roles of A Successful Relationship
Take yourself back to the halcyon days of the summer of 2013 - 14. At that time I had been 6 months single after a 6 year clusterfuck of a relationship and I was looking for a way to NOT EVER do that again. I was learning so much about myself and what I wanted for my life. I spent my days working & studying coaching, and my weekends in the golden triangle between Nobby's beach, the Newcastle Baths, and coffee shops of Darby St.
I was simultaneously navigating the unfamiliar territory of online dating, and working with my dear mentor and coach to learn how to create the relationship that had been my hearts desire for a lifetime. What I learned is not rocket science, my dear friends, it is simple as all get out; I create my reality, I attract the people in my life through my attitudes & behaviour, and I can change all of that in an instant.
What are the 3 Primary Roles in a relationship?
In the course of our lives we live & breathe so many different identities in so many different moments that it can feel like the United States of Tara in there! At least it felt that way for me (Business Owner. Lover. Friend. Trainer. Coach. Yoga Teacher. Runner. Daughter. Sister)... it seemed like I was trying to squeeze all of these roles into the one skin...
What I mean by identities is the aspects of ourselves, the roles that we play in the different contexts of our lives. I see so many couples who attempt to fulfil the identities of Husband, Wife, Partner, Parent... no wonder they lose their way. For what does it truly mean to BE those roles? In my world, nothing. Nothing because how do you DO those roles? The only real criteria for being a husband or a wife, is that you are married. There is no ACTION to it. To be a partner? An agreement. And at the end of the day it is only a title.
There are the three identities that are fundamental to a successful relationship;
Best Friends, Lovers, & Creators.
What does it mean to be best friends?
Best friends is the element that will sustain your love beyond any challenge or change in your lives. Best friends will do anything for each other- not just the easy stuff.
I hear people say they would do anything for their partner, they would catch a grenade, take that trip to Mars, do anything for love; grandiose and dramatic gestures. And then, when they are asked to, they won’t hold hands. Say “I love you”. Or do something FUN. Suddenly "anything" becomes "the limited menu of things that fit into my zone of comfort and according to my current perception of what you currently deserve based on what you are doing for me..." OUCH!
If you think about the qualities and values that are important to you, you'll notice that there are some invisible rules you have that let you know who is a close friend.With your best friend, it is the little things done often that make the meaning.
A relationship of lovers + creators will lead to expression, but no trust without the expectations, communication, and connection of best friends.
What Does It Mean To Be Lovers?
Lovers brings the real magic of an intimate relationship. It is the element that is unique to you as a couple, that you do not share with anyone else, and that tells people that THIS relationship is special. We are lovers! And it is much, much, more than that. Sexual energy is the energy of creation. It is the energy of life, and of vitality.
It doesn’t need to be literally sex, it is that sense of anticipation, seduction, and passion. Not only in the bedroom, in your life! Ultimately all pleasure is derived from anticipation, seduction and passion - whether you are alone at home and romancing yourself with candles, wine, and brie, or whether you are passionate about your work, your play, your partner. I can tell you how a couple's sex life are going by looking at their expression of those energies in their lives.
A relationship of best friends + creators will lead to passion, but no spark without the romance, intimacy, and sexuality of lovers.
What Does it mean to be creators?
The third and final element is Creators. This is the measure of the longevity of your relationship. A relationship without a purpose, a relationship that does not continually create, nurture, and love something new, will die. That is why so many relationships end when the children grow up!
For Jimmy T and I, this is a really big deal. We are very focused on what we want to build together, and what our legacy will be. Why else are we walking this world!? Creators is all about legacy. What is it that we would like for people to say about us 30 years after we’re gone? Do we want to model Michelle and Barack Obama? Bill and Melinda Gates? Or perhaps we look to the legacy of Ellen & Portia DeGeneres? If philanthropy isn’t your bag, maybe your legacy is the type of adults your children become, a business you build together, or a scientific discovery you make. Whatever it is, it must be something that you both create, love, and nurture together.
A relationship of best friends + lovers will lead to creation, but no future without the conception, collaboration and calibration of creators.
Where do we go from here?
Each intimate relationship will move through cycles and stages where one or more of these identities is strongest and takes centre stage. And equally, relationships move through cycles and stages where one of these identities may take a back seat and change the dynamics of how you relate.Whenever you're ready... here are 3 ways I can help you to create the relationship you truly desire:
1. Grab a free copy of my troubleshooting guide
It's a guide to identify the source of relationship conflict, and to ease the recovery of intimacy, communication, and connection, should problems arise in the future. Click Here.
2. Join the Sugar Doctor Community
It's the Facebook page where smart couples learn to have more passion, creativity, and self expression in their relationship. Click Here.
3. Work with me privately
If you'd like to work directly with me to create the love you truly desire...contact me at email@example.com and put "Private" in the subject line... tell me a little about your relationship and what you'd like to work on together, and I'll get you all the details!